“What a rubbish band name!”: Why I should never do stand-up comedy

New Years Day 2017. About 1:00pm. I’m hungover, tired and filled with more McDonalds than any human should be. It’s at this point in all my greasy wisdom, that I decide to write down a list of New Years Resolutions. To be fair, most of them are fairly achievable. Nothing too ridiculous. Things like, “Read at least one book every month” and “Go overseas”.

I’m not sure if “buy a bike” is a resolution or an instruction for a shopping list, but who am I to argue with greasy, hungover me from the past?

There was one item on the list though that I think I’m ready to give a crack. I like to think I’m a pretty funny guy. And I believe that given the correct context and situation I can make most people laugh. Or feel incredibly awkward. It’s a gift.

So, on this list of resolutions, I wrote;

‘Write and perform a stand-up comedy set’

I can do that. How hard can it be? I mean people do this all the time, right? Comedy open mic nights are pretty common around Melbourne. Do you know what else is pretty common around Melbourne? Shitty comedians telling god awful jokes at open mic nights.

I tried to write a joke about a month ago. This is what I came up with;

So the other day I was in the car and a song by the band Garbage came on the radio. ‘Garbage’ I said to myself, ‘what a rubbish name!’

Here, in no particular order, is a dissection of why this is a fucking awful joke.

  • It’s not even funny. It’s a very poorly constructed pun at best.
  • All I’ve done to create this joke, is take the word ‘garbage’, looked it up in a thesaurus and written down one of the synonyms the book has provided.
  • The likelihood of the band Garbage getting any radio time in 2017 is the funnier than the joke itself.

I don’t think that most people write an absolute cracker of a first joke the first time they try, but I guarantee nobody has come up with something as horrible as that. That joke is, all puns intended, rubbish.

In a nutshell, my abuse of the english language in order to create a joke, that in hindsight is about as funny as Charlie Pickering (or in other words, not funny at all), has scarred me for life and has left me with a complete lack of confidence in both a professional and personal sense, leading me to believe that I should never, ever pursue comedy in any shape, size or form.

However, I’m not one to shy away from the challenge, so at some point this year I will do a stand-up set I guess. And I expect it to be awful and horrible and filled with more terrible, terrible one-liners. Hopefully I’ll see you all there!


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