I’m Not an Angry Man but…

I’m a relatively level-headed kind of guy. I pay my taxes. I help my fellow man. I support a lot of charities and causes the way most people do- from a distance with a like on Facebook so my friends can see what a great human being I am. Basically, I’m trying to say I don’t really get angry.

But you know what? No more. No longer shall I stand by and suffer through the arrogance, nay, the tyranny in silence. It is time to make this entirely clear;

Don’t be the person who drives past an empty car space, only to then reverse park into it.

In fact, don’t reverse park at all, you twat.

History time fools.

It’s my understanding that reverse parking was invented in 1975 by mentally challenged man John Reverse-Park. Mr Reverse-Park had been trying to figure out what the clapping was replacing in the children’s song ‘Bingo’ when he spotted an empty car space.

Instead of driving into the free space head first, Mr Reverse-Park suddenly had an aneurysm and died, changing the gears on his way down. As he collapsed on his steering wheel, his foot hit the accelerator and the car reversed into the empty car park.

The point I’m trying to make is that only a mentally challenged dying man would reverse into a car park. The fact that people on the daily insist on consciously deciding to reverse into an empty car space is beyond me. These people are the reason that Trump is president.

And I’ve heard the arguments before, “But Josh, it makes for a quicker getaway”. You know what else makes for a quicker getaway? Not being a fuckhead.

It literally takes all of 10 seconds to reverse out of a car space, and it’s generally the safer option. Reverse parking not only causes congestion, but it is also a catalyst for road rage. Road rage can cause a lot of stress in a person’s life. Stress that they decide to deal with by drinking alone in a dark room, away from their wife and children for weeks on end until one day Sarah finally decides enough is enough and asks “Why aren’t you spending time with the kids?” and “Why do you hate this family?” to which you respond by angrily throwing your scotch-filled glass against the wall before breaking down emotionally, not realising that already it’s too late and Sarah and the kids have gone to stay at her mums house, and you’re left alone in a big empty house regretting the previous thirty-nine years of your life.

Also tab story, I just watched John Conway Tonight on iView. Seriously, hilarious. Go watch it. Cool.

Please, don’t be a knobstick. Drive into a car space like any normal human being.

Well. That got pretty dark in some parts….

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