My name is Josh, and I’m a Breakfast Wanker

I’m going to level with you. I’m struggling to write anything today. I’m struggling to stay focused at all. I went down to the ANZAC dawn service early this morning. It was an early morning, but an important one none the less. I stood in the rain with hundred of people, paying our respects to the men and woman who helped give us the freedom we have today.

I also learned something about myself this morning: I’m a breakfast wanker.

I’ve been living in Melbourne for a little over two years now, and if there is one thing that Melbourne knows how to do, it’s breakfast. We’re a civilisation built on brunch.

Well, that and the ground. No? Fair enough.

This morning after the dawn service we decided to take advantage of the city and grab some breakfast. The tricky thing with a public holiday is that many places are closed. So we went for a wander until we found a cafe that was opened. It looked alright, and boasted ‘the best big breakfast in Melbourne’.

We went in, sat down out of the rain and ordered our meal. Less than five minutes later it comes to the table. Bad sign.

Now, I’m a simple man. I like my toast unburnt and my eggs runny. I don’t want my breakfast to be just like my ex-wife: fucked. Unfortunately, my breakfast was far too similar to her and tried to take all my money through child support to fund her new pool.

I’d like to clarify, I’m joking. I don’t have an ex-wife. Yet.

Then my coffee came out and, like everything else on my plate, it too was burnt. But I was a hungry boy, and I’m not one to turn away food. So I ate it all.

And immediately regretted it.

It occurred to me as I walked off regretting my life choices that I’ve become accustomed to a certain standard of breakfast. And anything less seems like the worst thing in the world. The truth is the breakfast probably wasn’t that bad.

So what if I enjoy almond milk in my double shot ristretto? Sure, I believe the only bread that should be toasted is fresh sourdough. Yes, I do want micro herbs and edible flowers on my plate so I can take a picture with colour and contrast for my Instagram account. Fuck you.

My name is Josh, and I am a breakfast wanker. And I love it.

I think I might go and put up a shelf now. What a life.

 

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