What to have for Breakfast and why you’re wrong: Part One

Breakfast. Arguably the most important meal of the day. I’ve mentioned this in passing in a previous post, but there are rules that breakfast needs to abide by.

Breakfast is like the annoying teenage step-daughter you never wanted, but recently moved into your house when you married her divorced mother.

Like that step-daughter, breakfast resents you for not being it’s real father. Breakfast is going to leave it’s dirty dishes on the bench so the food scraps left behind become impossible to clean away. Breakfast is going to bring it’s new boyfriend Chad into your home. Chad is really into motocross and monster energy drinks.

Without rules and control, Breakfast will end up abandoning any sense of a caring family it once had, run off with Chad and become a mother of four at the age of twenty three.

Breakfast needs your help.

Here’s a ‘Sparknotes’ summery of what I believe are some very important rules when it comes to breakfast;

• Breakfast ends at 10am. Anything eaten after that is classified as ‘brunch’.
• Brunch has a whole different set of rules. That’s for a later post.
• Noodles are not a breakfast food. Moving on.
• You cannot make anything that you would eat for dinner for breakfast, HOWEVER, you can eat dinner food so long as it is a ‘leftover’. Cooking a whole roast chicken with the intent on eating it for breakfast is not ok. You have a problem.
• Breakfast doesn’t have to be solid, but it should contain something that was solid. For example, a glass of milk is not breakfast, but a banana smoothie is. Get the solids in your gob.
• Fruit loaf is not a breakfast food. Fruit loaf barely classifies as food at all. Fruit loaf can fuck off.
• Also don’t be one of those people who confuse raisin toast with fruit loaf. They are completely different things.
• Is alcohol acceptable with breakfast? Um, do people who still wear colourful fabric belts with the snap metal clasp still think they’re cool? Yes, it’s acceptable.

Actually, I might leave it there for the moment. I have plenty more strong opinions on breakfast and why you, the general public, have been abusing it for years. I’ll call this Part One of my masterpiece.

Fuck fruit loaf.